


Raine Lionheart Presents: Peridot One Shots

by RaineLionheart



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: -shrug-, Alien Flora & Fauna, Bonding, Engineering, F/F, Fluff, Improv, Kinda, Motorcycles, Mythology References, Personal Growth, Stand-Up Comedy, all comedy is derived from fear
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-01
Updated: 2020-03-31
Packaged: 2020-07-28 12:11:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,155
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20063818
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RaineLionheart/pseuds/RaineLionheart
Summary: A series of drabbles and one-shots about everyone's favorite angry slice of key lime pie.





	1. Botany (Amethyst)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peridot encounters alien flora.

Peridot glared at the Venus Fly Trap.

  
The carnivorous botanical did nothing.

A low growl emitted from the green Gem as she imagined various scenarios involving this useless arrangement of protoplasm and gouts of fire. She fumbled with her tape recorder.

"Log Date June 17th, Year 2. Peridot reporting. My continued interest in Earth's botanical lifeforms continues to baffle Lapis, although she does admit to some curiosity on her part. I am not surprised in the least - she still displays the leaf Steven gave to her the day we became roommates, and I know for a fact that she takes time away from the barn to... how did Garnet put it? Commune with nature?"

Peridot detected movement out of the corner of her eye. Was it an insectoid lifeform suitable for consumption by the Venus Fly Trap? She tracked the movement with her visor - it was an insectoid - now if she could only-

"The botanical, named "Venus Fly Trap", has failed to live up to its moniker, and does not display any of the behaviour described by Amethyst. For example, when placed in an open-ended plumbing pipe, it does not appear to ward off intruders by rising out of said pipe at regular intervals. I submit that the promised-"

"A-HA!"

"_GYAAAAAH!_"

Peridot nearly destabilized her form, her tape recorder passing through her momentarily intangible hand before landing in her lap. She spun around, finding Amethyst doubled over laughing. Peridot felt herself blushing - a sensation that she seemed to experience daily here on Earth.

"Amethyst!? I'm trying to - " Her eyes widened and she looked down at the tape recorder in her lap. She groaned and hit STOP before continuing, "I was trying to record my observations of this botanical you recommended. Must you be so..." she regarded Amethyst, who preened coyly, "...boisterous with your entrance?"

Amethyst sighed and sagged. "Whatever Peri, you just can't take a joke."

Peridot muttered to herself as she turned back to the plant in question... which had taken the opportunity to do absolutely nothing, she noted bitterly.

"Japery notwithstanding, I'm glad you're here Amethyst." She fixed a menacing glare on her friend. " Explain to me the function of this clodding plant-clod!"

"Really?" Amethyst snorted. "Um, didn't the name give it away?"

"Of course not! I know for a fact that botanical life cannot prosper on the planet you Earthlings know as "Venus"! The atmosphere is completely inhospitable to life. Therefore, I am forced to assume that the rest of the description is just as inapt."

Another insectoid buzzed by, causing Peridot to flinch. Feeling a touch guilty, Amethyst sighed and sat down on one of the stools. "Yeah, the name isn't completely straightforward. You'd have to know, for instance, that the plant isn't named for the planet. In fact, both were named for a woman."

Peridot raised an eyebrow. "Intriguing. Who was this woman?"

Amethyst snorted again. "Rainbow Quartz."

"Rainbow-"

"She was Pearl and Rose, fused," Amethyst explained. "When we were spending time in Europe a few millennia ago, a bunch of soldiers - humans - saw her poof a corrupted gem." Her eyes became misty as she relived the memory. "She had knocked it out into the ocean and was going for the poof when these ugly dudes in ugly red uniforms showed up." Amethyst jumped to her feet, a fervent look on her face.

"She rose up from the water, bathed in sunlight, looking like a goddess... aaaaand that's when the soldiers started bowing and worshiping her.

"In time, she became known as the Goddess of Love and beauty. Alluring..." Her eyes flashed with a sinister glee, "and deadly."

She plopped back down on her stool and said, "But yeah, that thing would totally fry on Venus."

Peridot nodded, still somewhat entranced by Amethyst's storytelling.

"But this plant here has a trick of its own. It gives off this smell called pheromones, which are like a lure. The flies smell it and follow the scent back to the plant, where..." She snapped her hands together, causing Peridot to jump back at the noise. "WHOMP! Plant food!"

Peridot glanced at the lone botanical just as an insect landed in the center of its awaiting jaws.

Almost lamely, the jaws closed around the insect, trapping it.

Amethyst gestured to the display and said, "As you can see." She got off the stool and walked towards the Temple door. "Later, Dot."

Peridot's attention was now fully on the plant. She didn't respond, just kept watching as the plant began digesting.

"Oh my stars..."


	2. Peridot: Master Of Comedy (Steven, Lapis & Garnet)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peridot attempts to perform stand up comedy. The results are all too predictable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is an old snippet from an abandoned fic. I love stand up comedy, and I figured that if anyone had the type of personality suited to attempting stand up, it would be Peridot.

Mr. Smiley thrust his arms in the air, and the comedy club audience cheered wildly. He bowed, his patented grin plastered on his face. He grabbed the microphone again and said, "And now, please welcome Beach City's newest amateur comedian... Per-dot!"

Peridot scowled. Mr. Smiley passed her with a wink. She merely hissed quietly as she strode onto the stage.

She was immediately blinded by countless beams of light.

"Gah! What is this, an interrogation?" she cried a little louder than she'd intended.

And with that, Peridot got her first wave of laughter. The humans in the crowd were laughing a little more than politely. She heard one male voice shout, "Eyooooo!"

Peridot was stunned by the effect. Her offhand comment had evoked the correct response in these human, which was not her intention. However, she could not deny the results. She felt a surge of excitement course through her form, energizing her. She felt herself trembling slightly.

She approached the microphone stand, but came to a stop, frowning up at the device, out of reach by a good two feet or so.

Mr, Smiley was tall - quite tall - and had neglected to adjust the stand for the shorter Gem. With a grunt, she attempted to jump and grab the offending object, but her fingers barely missed the target. She growled in frustration, trying a second time.

"Peridot!" she heard Steven whisper from the wing behind her. She turned and saw him miming something. Waving his hands, tongue jutting between his teeth, he pretended to reel something in.

_ My metal powers! _ she thought. Returning her focus to the microphone, she shut her eyes and struggled to concentrate. She was feeling hot under these lights.

BAP!

"Argh!"

Peridot felt the microphone stand tip over into her face, knocking her back onto her rear.

The audience exploded with laughter and applause.

Out in the wings, Steven and Lapis glanced at each other with pained expressions on their face. A moment later, they both snorted with laughter before clutching their hands over their mouths, mortified that they had just laughed at their friend's bad luck.

Meanwhile, Peridot remained still, feeling a mix of emotions she had never felt before. Humiliation at the situation. Fury at the audience for laughing at her clumsiness. Hatred towards Mr. Smiley, that enormous  _ fiend _ , who had set her up.

But she felt something else swell within her as the laughter continued. It was a jolt somewhere in her midsection. It was the same feeling she'd experienced the moment she and Steven had pulled themselves out of the Gem drill after bubbling the Cluster. It was satisfaction. Fulfillment.

It felt good.

_ Interesting. Insulting statements produce mirth, as does embarrassment. At another's expense. _

She pulled herself to her feet, and felt the sensation again as the audience cheered.

She felt herself blushing as she managed to wrestle the microphone from the stand. She decided to leave stand where it laid.

Mr. Smiley can deal with it, she thought with venom.

"Greetings Earthlings! I am the Great and Lovable Peridot!"

She paused for effect. She was greeted with a lone "Whoo!" from behind her.  _ Thanks Lapis _ , she thought sarcastically.

_ Material! Right, yes! I must feed them my material. _

She cleared her throat and started her monologue.

"Have you ever noticed how human males and human females are extremely unalike?"

"Yeah!" came a voice from the audience. Peridot squinted, trying to see who had responded. She thought it might be Sour Cream.

"For example, you may witness a human male being ambulatory in a fashion such as this!"

She took several heavy steps across the length of the stage before walking back to the center.

"And you may witness a human female being ambulatory like this!"

And she took a few prancing, skipping steps in the other direction before returning to the mic.

"Do you relate to this phenomenon?" she cried excitedly.

A quiet cough was all that she heard in response.

Peridot glared down at the microphone. "Steven, this sound wave amplifier appears to be nonfunctional. Get me a new one!" she demanded.

That got a few titters from the audience.

_ Oh no, oh no, what am I doing? _

She glanced at Steven and Lapis, who both shrugged. Steven gave her a thumbs up.

_ Oh dear. _

She felt sweat break on her forehead. She was trembling now.

"Um -- I, er..."

She felt lightheaded, and a little queasy. She knew that she was failing.

_ I insulted Yellow Diamond to her face! I stood up to Jasper! How can a crowd of half-drunk organic meat sacks be affecting me so? _

Then, just as she was about to throw the microphone down and flee from the stage, Steven and Lapis came to her rescue.

Later, she was told that she had come around and won the crowd over as she and her (saviors) began improvising a scene. But Peridot had no memory of this. The entire ten minutes the trio were onstage was a blur in her mind.

"Peridot! That was great!" Steven cried once they were offstage. He threw his arms around her, squeezing gently and jumping up and down. Peridot glance at Lapis who merely nodded.

“You-you really think so?” Peridot whispered hopefully. “I mean, of course I was great!” She puffed her chest out. “I’m a Peridot! I am more than capable of improvising when absolutely necessary. After all, a technician must be prepared for anything.”

Lapis snorted, holding her hands up defensively at Peridot’s withering glare. “No, no, you’re right Peri. I guess I just wasn’t expecting  _ that _ to be your brand of comedy.”

“Slapstick comedy is super popular!” Steven said. “People post embarrassing videos on TubeTube all the time, and they get millions of hits!”

Peridot shrugged. “I suppose I was reacting out of fear of embarrassing myself… but in the end, it was that embarrassment that entertained the audience!” She put a hand to her chin. “Hmmm. You humans are more sadistic than I give you credit for.”

“All comedy is derived from fear,” said Garnet, suddenly standing right behind Peridot. The green Gem shrieked and threw herself at Lapis, who rolled her eyes, but let her friend latch onto her.

A few bystanders laughed uproariously and applauded.

Garnet smirked and said, “I think it’s time I relinquished my title of Master of Comedy.” She gave Peridot a thumbs up and walked away.

“Gee, thanks,” Peridot muttered into Lapis’ shoulder.


	3. Repairs (Pearl)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peridot learns about motorcycles, and Pearl's love of tinkering.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Funnily enough, I started with an angst-filled premise, but decided to drop it in light of a fluffy Peridot & Pearl piece. I apologize if this seems a little rushed, and the end is a little abrupt.
> 
> This takes place sometime after Raise The Barn, but before A Single Pale Rose.

Years ago, it had been such a ridiculous notion that Peridot had literally laughed. The idea that a pearl could be adept at any sort of technical design or engineering was by and far the looniest thing that Peridot, newly arrived to Earth and at the mercy of the traitorous Crystal Clods, ever imagined.

Today was different. Peridot herself was different. She admired Pearl’s skills, and relished the opportunity to collaborate with her on some crackpot idea that may or may not help the Crystal Gems somehow. When they put their heads together, the others knew that there would be equal portions of technical mastery and interpersonal drama.

So whenever Peridot and Pearl collaborated, it was a party.

Steven chalked it up to the first time the pair had worked together, back at the barn when Peridot had originally defected from Homeworld. Before work on the drill had begun. The competition then had been less friendly, but had set a standard.

Their latest collaboration had been designing a new communications hub, one with which they could stay in contact with Lars and the Off-Colors. ( _ Or Lapis… _ Peridot thought glumly). It had taken a few days to draw up the specs and work some prototypes out, but by the fifth day, they were finished. The pair turned and beamed at each other, both covered in stone dust, grease and dirt. Around them, Steven, Garnet, Amethyst and Sheena were cheering and congratulating them. The fruit of their labors stood tall and steady, awaiting activation.

“You guys are incredible,” Sheena said as she wrapped her arms around Pearl’s waist, hugging her from behind. “It took you less than a week to design and build this?”

“I pride myself on efficiency,” Peridot preened.

Pearl rolled her eyes, but she was chuckling too. “Without the need for rest or eating, we’re able to work much longer hours than a human.”

“Must be nice,” Sheena said. The group fell into pleasant conversation for a few minutes. Sheena glanced at her wristwatch and exhaled. “Jeez, it’s gotten really late. I have to get home.”

Pearl turned and gave her girlfriend a kiss. She put her hand on the tall human’s cheek and said, “Be careful on the highway, love.”

Sheena tapped her knuckles to Pearl’s chin affectionately. “I’ll be fine Pearl. You know me.” She grinned and tugged Pearl towards her motorcycle. Peridot was admiring the human vehicle, but decided to give them space. She sidled up next to Steven.

“What do you think of Sheena’s motorcycle?” he asked her.

“I am… uncertain. It is truly primitive, and highly dangerous in terms of fuel choice and stability. However, as Sheena has continued to exist without sustaining any debilitating injuries, it must be far safer than one would expect.”

“Well, she had to take lessons and pass a test to get a license, like with a car,” Steven offered.

“I see. As a species with little to no innate knowledge upon creation, you must learn about and receive credentials to operate dangerous machinery. Hmmm. Inefficient, yet logical.”

The pair heard the engine roar, before sputtering out again. They watched Sheena try to start the engine again before she cursed and dismounted.

“What is wrong with ya, Boss?” she asked aloud as she examined the outer casing of the engine. Pearl was by her side, pulling a few tools out of her gemstone. After a few minutes of examination and quiet deliberation, they stood and Pearl said, “All right. Sheena’s motorcycle needs some minor repairs. I’ll take care of it, if you could please see her home Steven?”

Steven nodded and raised his hands to cup his mouth. “Llllllll-iiiiiooooonnnn!”

The air beside him seemed to tear open, and bounding out came his pink lion. Steven wrapped his arms around his neck, giving him both scratches and instructions.

Pearl turned to Garnet. “Would you mind helping me get this back to the Temple?”

Garnet gave an affirmative grunt and hefted the vehicle over her shoulder, trudging towards the warp pad.

Pearl helped Sheena to get settled atop Lion, bidding her and Steven farewell before turning back to Peridot and Amethyst. “Shall we?”

The trio headed in the direction that Garnet had gone. Amethyst, restless as always, dropped into a spin dash and cleared the distance to the pad in seconds.

Pearl, meanwhile, was treated to a spray of dirt and gravel. “ _ Amethyst _ !” she shouted.

“Sorry P!” cackled the quartz, clearly not sorry.

Peridot bit her lip. She and Pearl were friends now, and she didn’t want to antagonize her, but her reaction  _ was _ pretty funny.

Pearl grumbled, but picked up the pace. Peridot had to speed up.

“Pearl, I was wondering…”

“What is it Peridot?” she snapped. Sighing, she turned and said, “I’m sorry. That was rude of me. You have a question?”

“Yes…” They resumed walking. “I was hoping to observe you as you service Sheena’s unconventional vehicle.”

Pearl raised a brow. “Really? You’d be interested in that?”

Peridot tried to come off as flippant, but there was an obvious excitement beneath the surface. Peridot was terrible at hiding her enthusiasm. “Well, yes. This is yet another facet of human development that I wish to analyze for myself. While primitive, their technology has an offbeat sensibility to it which Homeworld’s lacks.”

“I would agree with you on that,” Pearl said. She thought for a moment, weighing the pros and cons before she added, “Oh, all right. It  _ would _ be fun to teach you a thing or two.” She shot the diminutive technician a grin.

Peridot sighed as she stepped onto the warp pad.

Her dignity could survive this, right?

* * *

They set up their impromptu garage in a corner of Amethyst’s room near the Temple Door. At first, she had whined about the invasion of her personal space, but Pearl managed to pacify her with the promise of damaged parts and left over motor oil. Quite the feast.

Pearl started off by giving Peridot a brief history of Earth’s two-wheeled vehicles, much to the technician’s amusement. She could not wrap her head around the concept of having to keep balanced without mechanical aid.

“How do humans not fall from these machines all the time?” she asked.

“They do,” Pearl answered, “but for many humans, the risk is a part of the experience.”

“Hmmm.” She was reminded of the “roller coaster” from Funland. This machine, at least, could convey one from destination to destination without the limitation of rails.

Pearl began stripping components from the engine, naming them and explaining their functions to the ever-curious Peridot, who soaked up everything with the intensity of a Jasper in combat. She had her tablet out, covered in internet tabs and spreadsheets.

“Just as I thought,” Pearl finally muttered after about a half hour. “Sand in the motor. Easy enough to fix, but a little time consuming.” 

As she got to it, Peridot couldn’t help but stare. Even now, after a few years of working together, it fascinated her that a Pearl, especially one of such quality, not only taught herself engineering, but seemed to relish the difficult and often dirty work.

“You’re staring,” Pearl said with a touch of amusement.

“I’m intrigued.”

“Why’s that?”

Peridot tapped a finger to her chin. “You have always exhibited a neurotic need for cleanliness and order. And yet, you are content to end up covered with grime and mechanical fluids.”

Pearl looked down at her hands and smiled softly. “A pearl covered in grease stains, with a wrench in her hand, talking to a peridot as she works on her human girlfriend’s motorcycle. They would call this weaponized Earth madness!”

Peridot snorted with laughter.

“It isn’t as bad when it’s something like grease,” Pearl explained. “At least with grease, it shows that I’ve been working hard on something. And something that requires skill to work with, like an engine. 

“Also…” Pearl blushed, and her expression went goofy, “Sheena says it makes me look sexy.”

Peridot snorted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I blame Earth Madness on my friend Demyx. Check out their works, they're great.


End file.
